What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 02:38
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She found it foreign!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I will be 64.
Why does a narcissist act like it's nothing when they hurt you?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We all went to grammer schools
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i lived it daily.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was in good health!
One cannot live in the past .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Im still living with it.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ive learnt so much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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(And it was in our own minds.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He knew the spot.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was very sick at this time too.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it wasn’t much.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Put me off passion for life!!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I think the readers, may guess!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
All the time i was locked up.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
When she asked me how she looked .
I was 9 years of age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She wouldn,t have been !
I said to her
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I write beautiful poetry .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So, i spoilt her more .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We were not on the streets..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She married twice! .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So whats the point in blame.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My life is so biszare .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Would this be the day?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
This is soul school!.
I was seconnd youngest,
I waited trembling.
I was scared of men, in general
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She loved him until the end.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
What did i know ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I don,t even have a pension.
Who then, do I blame.?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Comes on , in middle age.
But, we were locked up after school.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It was going to be , some day.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I have no regrets .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.